Saying Goodbye

Learning, living, and letting go. Letoya Luckett on repeat. I dont quite understand nor am I going to try to. She said my attitude sucks and she doesnt like arguing, that she would feel trapped. BUT she wants to co-parent my daughter together and still be in my life as a friend. HUH? Doesnt make any sense so dont rack your brain trying to comprehend such foolishness. Wants to come lay up in my bed and put her arms around me when she is bored or lonely. WRONG! I wont do it. I was warned and I wont be who she wants me to be so she might want to go back to her past and resurrect the friendship she had before with HER* because it's not going down on my end. Feeling so sick to my stomach wishing I waited another semester before returning to school because I so badly want to run. Runway from my problems and leave them where they are. Hoping that they would disappear and my spirit and heart can be set free. I need to pray about it. Real hard about it. Ask god to show me a way around it. I cant be her friend. Never been in this predicament but I know it wont work, so I dont even want to try. She was far from willing to try for me. Said she gave her all when she couldnt have if her mind and heart were somewhere else and her body with me. I had reason to have attitude. Oh just forget it. I wanna forget the whole thing. Just let it blow in the wind. Never to been thought or spoken of again. Getting it off my chest.

Fighting Temptation.

It's the forgiving side of me. The side that wants to believe that everyone has pure intentions. It's my longing for companionship that I struggled with today. Had to keep telling myself I deserve more. I deserve better that what is for me will be for me and not shared with someone else. I wanted to forget about the heartache, to forget about the pain. But I need to feel it to keep me grounded to let me know that what I'm doing is RIGHT for me in the long run. Had to rebel against instant gratification. It's not easy but if I dont stand my ground I will never reach my full potential and the love I have will never be exuded. It's not easy, taking it one day at a time. Just repeating I love me more than I love her. I deserve to be number one, I deserve the best. I can do bad all by myself. I love who I am and someone will love me for the qualities I possess.

I thought

Alone in my private thoughts, too upset I cant sleep. No tv, only music playing. Angry that I let it happen TWICE with the same BITCH. It hurts like hell. She said she was my friend, she told me she loved me but she keeps hurting me. What am I doing so fucking wrong? I want so bad not to care but I do. The tears just fall...and fall...and fall. She doesnt see anything wrong with it. I was ok, I was doing ok, not talking to, not seeing her YET she came back into my life bringing with her the all too familiar heartbreak that she caused the FIRST time. I didnt think I would catch her on MYSPACE twice...the first time YES..but was she that stupid? Dude I'm dying inside. I didnt ask for any of this. What do I do with all that I'm feeling right now? I wanna run so far away, I want to hide, to pack all my shit and just up and leave. To go so far away. I want to be better. I want to feel better. I want to smile instead of cry. I really cant take anymore.

Starting Over.

Yet again I'm in another mess I allowed my foolish heart to get me in and feeling some kind of way. Slow jams are my bestfriend and tears are the words that describe the pain that I'm in. Feeling real sorry for myself right now, hella betrayed, shit is crazy. Picking up the pieces to my lonely, broken heart. Starting Over. Destiny Fulfilled...I'm through with it...LOVE I'm through with it. I'm finally giving it up.